Does it usually take for a drastic situation to occur for you to realize you importance to someone else? Is that USUALLY the complete opposite of the treatment you are giving out? I know I have a very giving and kind heart and I am quick to put others before me and look out for everyone I care about as best I can. However, it seems that me, my feelings and my situation comes LAST to everyone else. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the fact that I instill this personality trait of extreme giving, but why don't I have the ability to put me FIRST, then once I'M taken care of, I can move on to others? Maybe its the fear I have within me that I will come off looking selfish. Okay, well in that case, where does that secret placement between self-preservation and selfishness lie? That medium where, its understood to everyone in your circle that you will STILL be there for them at all times, but you gotta do YOU. I think that light bulb has finally clicked on. I gotta do ME.
Everything I do, say and feel, comes from my feelings of others. I will constantly question myself whether or not something that may make ME happy will in turn hurt or upset someone in my circle. If so, I "check" my happiness for the sake of theirs. Does that get reciprocated BACK towards me? NEVER! Why? Because they are already about SELF. Example . . .I don't hang with a lot of females. Well, one particular day, I was out with my female friend, lets call her "Chocolate". Chocolate and I were hanging out on a typical Saturday for us . . .hit the nail shop, grabbed some food, enjoying the weather, etc. Well, in the midst of all this funning in the sun, we spot this GORGEOUS dude! Now, this is weird because, Chocolate and I usually don't have the same taste in men. Well, THIS one, this one was H-O-T! So, both of us are gawking and he in turn speaks to both of us, yet he is looking directly at me. Chocolate spoke back first, in a more flirtatious manner . . .he then looks to me to respond to his greeting and I then give him a generic "hello". He took that as I wasn't interested and decided since Chocolate was showing her interest he would pursue her instead. Was I interested in him? OF COURSE! But because I knew Chocolate was also, I chose to let her "get him", so to speak.
It took for me to run into him a few years later, that we actually got to know one another. NO, not like that, but something more than just a simple hello. He recognized me, of course and I spoke, trying to remain as nonchalant about him as I could. He knew EXACTLY who I was. So, I was actually just perusing down the street from the store and he was on the way to meet some friends and we decided to sit at this deli-style spot and chat. He called his friends and told them he was running late but he was still on his way. Before he could even start a convo, the FIRST thing I asked him was, "So, what happened between you and my friend?", you know, JUST so that he knows that I knew they were in contact past that day of initial meeting. He didn't try to deny it, said that she was cool, but she wasn't his type dating wise. He could have continued a friendship with her, but she was interested in more than a platonic relationship, he says. So, he decided it would be best if they parted ways. Of course HER story was the complete opposite . . .more along the lines of, "Girl, he was CRAZY! He was blowing my phone up 15-16 times in a row, calling me all hours of the night . . .I had to cut him off!" Now, from BOTH of their demeanors telling me their sides, and me KNOWING my friend, I knew he was being honest about the demise of "them". He then went on to tell me how I was actually the one he wanted to pursue, yet my nonchalant response when he spoke gave him the impression that I wasn't interested. I went on to tell him that, I don't "compete" for males. All the trying to out-do the next just isn't my style . . .he is a really great person, but I left things right where they were in the deli. I could continue, but I digress.
So, all of the boils down to this . . .you can call me selfish, bitchy or just down right WRONG. But, Im all about ME now. I'm putting ME first, if it isn't beneficial to ME, then I am uninterested. I pour and pour and pour and these leeches out here are sucking me dry emotionally. My personality isn't changing, I'm just becoming a better . . .ME.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Self Worth . . . and . . : "The Backburner"
Often times, it takes a minute to realize your importance in others' lives. the oh so familiar phrase, "Never make someone your priority while you remain to be their option" comes to mind. Now granted, we know that outside of friend/relationships, everyone has a life. They have everyday goals they must accomplish ans tasks to tend to. But at what point does it hit you that you aren't as important to someone as you THOUGHT you were?
Case in point, this weekend there were a lot of events going on and I attended a few, yet I still yearned for "particular" company. Evidently, my "yearning" stayed right where it was, because I was A-L-O-N-E! Yea, there were other things I could've done to ease the thought, but nothing could seem to fill that void at the moment. It just seemed like everyone AND everything else came before me! Call me SPOILED, call me being BRATTY, but DAMN, when do I come first?? Ok, ok . . .do I even make it to a close third???
So, after I felt like crap for 30 or so minutes, I used the time to re-evaluate MY priorities . . .make sure I continue to put ME first. I figured, why not do the things that will better me and in turn "flip the script", and have MY company being yearned for! So many times, we want something to work in our favor SO BAD, that we miss the obvious and sometimes painful signs of truth. What we feel may be beneficial to us in the present may not be the case in the long run.
So what IS "Self Worth"?
self-worth
–noun
"the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect."
I am worth FAR MORE than how I ALLOW other's treat me, yet my emotions tend to overpower that fact. Call it "wishful thinking", if you will, that I would want things to go my way. Thus, taking placement that is handed to me and forcing myself to feel grateful that AT LEAST in THEIR eyes, Im worthy enough of back burner placement.
Why do we allow ourselves to resort to this feeling of self worth? What does it take for you to "snap out of it", gather yourself up, and stand back on that pedestal in which you belong?
What is the "back-burner", you ask?
back burner
–noun
"a condition of low priority or temporary deferment"
Can you ultimately realize and determine when you have been placed on the "back burner"? Does the closeness of a relationship determine the inability to realize back burner placement?
Case in point, this weekend there were a lot of events going on and I attended a few, yet I still yearned for "particular" company. Evidently, my "yearning" stayed right where it was, because I was A-L-O-N-E! Yea, there were other things I could've done to ease the thought, but nothing could seem to fill that void at the moment. It just seemed like everyone AND everything else came before me! Call me SPOILED, call me being BRATTY, but DAMN, when do I come first?? Ok, ok . . .do I even make it to a close third???
So, after I felt like crap for 30 or so minutes, I used the time to re-evaluate MY priorities . . .make sure I continue to put ME first. I figured, why not do the things that will better me and in turn "flip the script", and have MY company being yearned for! So many times, we want something to work in our favor SO BAD, that we miss the obvious and sometimes painful signs of truth. What we feel may be beneficial to us in the present may not be the case in the long run.
So what IS "Self Worth"?
self-worth
–noun
"the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect."
I am worth FAR MORE than how I ALLOW other's treat me, yet my emotions tend to overpower that fact. Call it "wishful thinking", if you will, that I would want things to go my way. Thus, taking placement that is handed to me and forcing myself to feel grateful that AT LEAST in THEIR eyes, Im worthy enough of back burner placement.
Why do we allow ourselves to resort to this feeling of self worth? What does it take for you to "snap out of it", gather yourself up, and stand back on that pedestal in which you belong?
What is the "back-burner", you ask?
back burner
–noun
"a condition of low priority or temporary deferment"
Can you ultimately realize and determine when you have been placed on the "back burner"? Does the closeness of a relationship determine the inability to realize back burner placement?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
In The Beginning . . .
Well, I finally decided to do it. I am officially becoming a "blogger". I must say, I was a bit hesitant to start blogging, seeing as thought I've never been one to "spill my beans", so to speak yet, here I am.
Where do I start? Let's see . . .I am a 25 1/2 year old WOMAN in the midst of SERIOUS life transitions. I have been through plenty of trials, tribulation and tests in these last few years . . .I tell you. I often remind myself, "everything happens for a reason", but I digress. I am learning to take things as they come, be it good or bad. Luckily, I have had some "specialties" to help me out in this journey called life : 1) Faith, 2) Family and 3) Friends.
1) Faith
Being raised in the church, I know that I answer to a higher power. However, the Devil has been trying to pull be of of my pre-determined path and IM NOT HAVING IT!!!!! I was IN LOVE with attending my church. I learned and fellowshipped with those in my same age group, even sang in the choir and participated in the Liturgical dance ministry. Then, things began falling apart. It started a few years ago when the PREVIOUS pastor resigned to start his OWN church and my ENTIRE church family pretty much split in HALF. At the time, I along with the majority of the youth at my church were still in high school, so we had no say in whether we were staying or going. It got to the point where I wasnt even motivated to go to church and I think that was the Devil working on me. Luckily I fought the good fight and begin visiting churches that my friends were members of. I finally got it together and decided that I would NOT stray away and I have been back in full force. More on that later . . .
2) Family
This is a touchy subject. I was raised in a home of 6: Grandfather, Mother, Aunt and 2 cousins. Being an only child, I believe my views on a lot in life differ from those raised in households with siblings. I played alone, handled my own issues . . .became one with myself, I guess. Although I lived in a home with numerous other individuals, I often stayed secluded and to myself. Was I a loner? Not at all. But, I enjoyed my space. If I wanted to be bothered, there were enough people who could fulfill that task. However, if I was overwhelmed, I left. Off to Grandma's I went. Didn't even need permission. That was maybe the ONLY thing that I could walk up to my mother and say without there being an issue. Not THAT was my escape. . .Just me n' Grandma. We did everything from playing the piano, baking . . .even made homemade ice cream! Even as I got older, I STILL enjoyed going to Grandma's, and I know she enjoyed my company as well. Unfortunately, my Grandmother passed on October 17, 2006. Even thought she isn't here in the flesh, her spirit is with me and my memories or her and our times together will forever be embedded in my mind and heart.
Well, as strong a topic as family is, Imma save some for another time, lol . . .
3) Friends
*singing* "Friends . . .how many of us have them? Friends . . .ones you can depend on . . "
At 25, I have crossed paths with a lot of individuals, but i have VERY few friends. Those who I know I can depend on in the hardest of times, that I can spill my guts to, that I know will "keep it real" with me at ALL times . . .ahhh . . . .Friends.
I will indulge on each of them later, but I will take this time to touch on ONE special friend that as touched my heart like no other. . .
This situation I will FOREVER remember, because it was a difficult issue to stomach. I mean, here I am, enjoying the holiday with family and friends, when a topic comes up. My friend was trying to tell me something important . . .possibly one of the most important topics in their life . . .but they couldn't. Not that they didn't want to, but they didn't know how I would react. I felt like GARBAGE. That right there told me that I had NOT been doing my part as a friend, which is letting them know that I am in their corner AT ALL TIMES. Fortunately, we got over that "hump" in our friendship and now we are closer than ever. They can't be replaced by ANYONE. I love them unconditionally and for the record . . .you can STILL get it. *wink!*
Well, that was a heck of an intro if I must say so myself! With this, there is DEFINITELY more to come . . .
*Kisses*
Where do I start? Let's see . . .I am a 25 1/2 year old WOMAN in the midst of SERIOUS life transitions. I have been through plenty of trials, tribulation and tests in these last few years . . .I tell you. I often remind myself, "everything happens for a reason", but I digress. I am learning to take things as they come, be it good or bad. Luckily, I have had some "specialties" to help me out in this journey called life : 1) Faith, 2) Family and 3) Friends.
1) Faith
Being raised in the church, I know that I answer to a higher power. However, the Devil has been trying to pull be of of my pre-determined path and IM NOT HAVING IT!!!!! I was IN LOVE with attending my church. I learned and fellowshipped with those in my same age group, even sang in the choir and participated in the Liturgical dance ministry. Then, things began falling apart. It started a few years ago when the PREVIOUS pastor resigned to start his OWN church and my ENTIRE church family pretty much split in HALF. At the time, I along with the majority of the youth at my church were still in high school, so we had no say in whether we were staying or going. It got to the point where I wasnt even motivated to go to church and I think that was the Devil working on me. Luckily I fought the good fight and begin visiting churches that my friends were members of. I finally got it together and decided that I would NOT stray away and I have been back in full force. More on that later . . .
2) Family
This is a touchy subject. I was raised in a home of 6: Grandfather, Mother, Aunt and 2 cousins. Being an only child, I believe my views on a lot in life differ from those raised in households with siblings. I played alone, handled my own issues . . .became one with myself, I guess. Although I lived in a home with numerous other individuals, I often stayed secluded and to myself. Was I a loner? Not at all. But, I enjoyed my space. If I wanted to be bothered, there were enough people who could fulfill that task. However, if I was overwhelmed, I left. Off to Grandma's I went. Didn't even need permission. That was maybe the ONLY thing that I could walk up to my mother and say without there being an issue. Not THAT was my escape. . .Just me n' Grandma. We did everything from playing the piano, baking . . .even made homemade ice cream! Even as I got older, I STILL enjoyed going to Grandma's, and I know she enjoyed my company as well. Unfortunately, my Grandmother passed on October 17, 2006. Even thought she isn't here in the flesh, her spirit is with me and my memories or her and our times together will forever be embedded in my mind and heart.
Well, as strong a topic as family is, Imma save some for another time, lol . . .
3) Friends
*singing* "Friends . . .how many of us have them? Friends . . .ones you can depend on . . "
At 25, I have crossed paths with a lot of individuals, but i have VERY few friends. Those who I know I can depend on in the hardest of times, that I can spill my guts to, that I know will "keep it real" with me at ALL times . . .ahhh . . . .Friends.
I will indulge on each of them later, but I will take this time to touch on ONE special friend that as touched my heart like no other. . .
This situation I will FOREVER remember, because it was a difficult issue to stomach. I mean, here I am, enjoying the holiday with family and friends, when a topic comes up. My friend was trying to tell me something important . . .possibly one of the most important topics in their life . . .but they couldn't. Not that they didn't want to, but they didn't know how I would react. I felt like GARBAGE. That right there told me that I had NOT been doing my part as a friend, which is letting them know that I am in their corner AT ALL TIMES. Fortunately, we got over that "hump" in our friendship and now we are closer than ever. They can't be replaced by ANYONE. I love them unconditionally and for the record . . .you can STILL get it. *wink!*
Well, that was a heck of an intro if I must say so myself! With this, there is DEFINITELY more to come . . .
*Kisses*
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