Prioritizing: YOU and those in your LIFE

Does it usually take for a drastic situation to occur for you to realize you importance to someone else? Is that USUALLY the complete opposite of the treatment you are giving out? I know I have a very giving and kind heart and I am quick to put others before me and look out for everyone I care about as best I can. However, it seems that me, my feelings and my situation comes LAST to everyone else. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the fact that I instill this personality trait of extreme giving, but why don't I have the ability to put me FIRST, then once I'M taken care of, I can move on to others? Maybe its the fear I have within me that I will come off looking selfish. Okay, well in that case, where does that secret placement between self-preservation and selfishness lie? That medium where, its understood to everyone in your circle that you will STILL be there for them at all times, but you gotta do YOU. I think that light bulb has finally clicked on. I gotta do ME.

Everything I do, say and feel, comes from my feelings of others. I will constantly question myself whether or not something that may make ME happy will in turn hurt or upset someone in my circle. If so, I "check" my happiness for the sake of theirs. Does that get reciprocated BACK towards me? NEVER! Why? Because they are already about SELF. Example . . .I don't hang with a lot of females. Well, one particular day, I was out with my female friend, lets call her "Chocolate". Chocolate and I were hanging out on a typical Saturday for us . . .hit the nail shop, grabbed some food, enjoying the weather, etc. Well, in the midst of all this funning in the sun, we spot this GORGEOUS dude! Now, this is weird because, Chocolate and I usually don't have the same taste in men. Well, THIS one, this one was H-O-T! So, both of us are gawking and he in turn speaks to both of us, yet he is looking directly at me. Chocolate spoke back first, in a more flirtatious manner . . .he then looks to me to respond to his greeting and I then give him a generic "hello". He took that as I wasn't interested and decided since Chocolate was showing her interest he would pursue her instead. Was I interested in him? OF COURSE! But because I knew Chocolate was also, I chose to let her "get him", so to speak.

It took for me to run into him a few years later, that we actually got to know one another. NO, not like that, but something more than just a simple hello. He recognized me, of course and I spoke, trying to remain as nonchalant about him as I could. He knew EXACTLY who I was. So, I was actually just perusing down the street from the store and he was on the way to meet some friends and we decided to sit at this deli-style spot and chat. He called his friends and told them he was running late but he was still on his way. Before he could even start a convo, the FIRST thing I asked him was, "So, what happened between you and my friend?", you know, JUST so that he knows that I knew they were in contact past that day of initial meeting. He didn't try to deny it, said that she was cool, but she wasn't his type dating wise. He could have continued a friendship with her, but she was interested in more than a platonic relationship, he says. So, he decided it would be best if they parted ways. Of course HER story was the complete opposite . . .more along the lines of, "Girl, he was CRAZY! He was blowing my phone up 15-16 times in a row, calling me all hours of the night . . .I had to cut him off!" Now, from BOTH of their demeanors telling me their sides, and me KNOWING my friend, I knew he was being honest about the demise of "them". He then went on to tell me how I was actually the one he wanted to pursue, yet my nonchalant response when he spoke gave him the impression that I wasn't interested. I went on to tell him that, I don't "compete" for males. All the trying to out-do the next just isn't my style . . .he is a really great person, but I left things right where they were in the deli. I could continue, but I digress.

So, all of the boils down to this . . .you can call me selfish, bitchy or just down right WRONG. But, Im all about ME now. I'm putting ME first, if it isn't beneficial to ME, then I am uninterested. I pour and pour and pour and these leeches out here are sucking me dry emotionally. My personality isn't changing, I'm just becoming a better . . .ME.